I received an unprecedented number of e-mails after I sent a message to my e-list that declared: "It was in fact the Ewoks that made Return of the Jedi the BEST STAR WARS MOVIE EVER." Apparently, them's fightin' words. A sampling of replies:* It's just such a blatant, throw-down provocation. Ewoks blow. And you know it.* Oh, where to begin? *Shakes head sorrowfully.** Well, the Ewoks did take down the Imperial forces with "primitive" technology, which was pretty cool. But I suspect the only reason why you hold the Ewoks (and, subsequently, the whole movie) in such high esteem is that THEY WORSHIPPED A GAY ROBOT. And for that fact alone will you ignore any and all arguments against Return of the Jedi, so I will not try.But then an astute friend pointed out:Did you know that the Ewok language was in fact based on a dialect in the Philippines? So—it would make sense to me, your love of Ewoks, because of their inherent linguistic familiarity via pan-API connections.Yeah! That's it!But, seriously, folks, the first piece of writing that I ever got published was a
movie review of Return of the Jedi, which I wrote when I was in the fifth grade and which got printed in my elementary school's newsletter. The other kids were in awe of me because I had actually seen the movie on opening weekend—waited in a long line and everything! I gave it a 10 out of 10 because it was—up until that point—pretty much the greatest experience of my life. Then I discovered masturbation, and everything changed.But back during those innocent days, I went to see Jedi over and over, collected the action figures, played the arcade game, read the novel tie-in, bought related merchandise, and listened to that damn catchy Ewok song repeatedly—even calling up the radio station to request it, much to the chagrin of hip DJs, I'm sure.You know what? I still love those goddman Ewoks. I still get excited by the Endor forest speeder bike chase. I still get scared when Luke gets chased by the rancor beast. I still cheer when Princess Leia chokes Jabba the Hut to death and still get giddy when she declares her love to Han Solo. And I still cry when Darth Vader throws the Emperor down the reactor shaft to save his son. Yes, I cried then, and I cry now. If that moment doesn't tug at your heart, you probably have no soul. And that's all I have to say about Return of the Jedi, the BEST STAR WARS MOVIE EVER.Ah, sweet memories: Sing along, bitches!:Yub nubeee chop yub nubah toe meet toe pee-chee keeneg'noop dock fling oh ahYah waheee chop yah wahah toe meet toe pee-chee keeneg'noop dock fling oh ahCoatee chah tu yub nubcoatee chah tu yahwahcoatee chah tu glowahallay loo ta nuvGlowaheee chop glowahya glowah pee chu nee foamah toot dee awe goon daaCoatee cha tu goo (Yub nub!)coatee cha tu doo (Yahwah!)coatee cha tu too (Ya chaa!)allay loo ta nuvallay loo ta nuvallay loo ta nuvGlowaheee chop glowahya glowah pee chu nee foamah toot dee awe goon daa
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